Jumping in

sometimes I just jump in.
Call it a character flaw, call it a natural aptitude.
Whatever you may call it, it's something I've struggled with for a long time.
And due to it I've developed a rather conservative and cautious character.

It takes me quite awhile to change my thoughts, or to agree to something.
And it serves me well, usually.

It makes me very discriminate of what I'm willing to do, and what I'm willing to say (my tongue and temper are held much more now than they used to be, to the point that I usually don't have to think about them.)

But sometimes it fails, and I revert to my impulsive character.

I did that recently with an exciting opportunity that I was offered. It seemed like I was needed, I love to serve, so I agreed. Even though I had made a deal with God that I wouldn't move on it until He said one way or the other. I made excuses and didn't stick to what my heart was drawing me to (waiting on the Lord).

Then slowly I realised peace had escaped me...

Turmoil and struggle was engulfing me.

And I slowly backed away, when I knew I should have run.

And the turmoil continued and got worse...

Then I was finally convinced, and I ran. Back to the arms that anticipate the prodigal son.

So what happened? I had entered a physical and spiritual battle that needs faithful warriors (why I had apparently been asked), but the excitement of the battle enticed me further than the call. And the need was a good enough excuse to convince myself that I was called to the service.

But a soldier should never enter a battle without his Master's banner, and I did just that. A soldier without a banner is alone, as no one can locate him easily, and the Master's armies rally only around His banner.

When I went alone, I saw beautiful things that touch my heart more dearly than anything I've ever known. Smiles that pull an everlasting joy from deep down inside you. And a feeling of humility that makes you realise how little you are, and how great He is.

But by yourself, you can experience the glories, and you can also experience the tragedies.

And though I've not been unfortunate enough to experience the depth of tragedy, I saw a glimpse, and I knew I by myself could not even handle that small amount, which is why I ran back to my post, to wait for the Lord. I don't want to experience darkness without Him. I don't want to fight the Enemy by myself, because I know I'll lose even before I start. Only through His cross and resurrection do I have hope to do any good.

And in the day that I returned, I was granted a great consolation. Peace and Joy. Smiles that I wondered why had gone missing returned.

Perhaps, God will call me to the battle yet. If He does I will follow, if he doesn't I will follow. I will sacrifice my glories for obedience to His will. In the meantime, I will long for His word, more than watchmen for Daybreak.